How to Use Erotica to Deepen And Enhance Your Relationship Part II

22 Feb

Chakra - Khundalini - Erotica

How to Use Erotica to Deepen And Enhance Your Relationship Part II

Erotica is all about enjoying the senses and using them to make the sexual act one of sublime connection, rather than simply a sexual release.

So start with your senses – sight, for example.

Look at your partner with love and pleasure. Enjoy the sight of your lover’s body, with all its battle scars and imperfections. Trace the lines of that body with your eyes, leave no nook or cranny unexamined. And allow your partner to likewise gaze upon your body. Shame, judgement, criticism, etc., have NO place in this ritual. If ever you need to shuck off self-judgement or loathing of your own body, and/or judgement of your partner’s body, THIS is the time to do it.

Instead, see beauty where others might see ugliness. Experience tenderness and compassion where formerly you might have felt disgust or shame. See the body as it really is – an amazing, miraculous, incredible vehicle that serves our inner selves — our immortal soul — on our journey in this lifetime of pain and pleasure.

Next explore the sense of sound.

Whisper gently in your partner’s ears what it is you most love about him or her. Or tell your beloved a secret that you never shared with anyone else. Tell her what most turns you on about her. Tell him what it is about him that really makes you juicy! If either of you is already feeling desire, let your moans and groans of ecstasy bubble up. Let your partner know that what s/he is doing to you is so exciting. Or, you can read out loud to your lover, from a book of erotic poems, or from some erotic literature. My own personal favorites are anything written by Anais Nin1, or the anthology of erotic literature from the Victorian Age, called The Pearl.2 Or better yet, write your OWN poem or story and read that out loud. I have a habit of writing erotic poetry for each new lover I have taken. (If you’d like to read my erotic poetry, contact me, I’ll send you a word document via e-mail.)

Use your sense of smell to heighten your arousal.

Anoint your beloved with a drop or two of some essential oil that you know s/he likes, or that makes you feel sexy and desirable. Sniff each other’s bodies – don’t be afraid or grossed out to do this. Most Americans are way too uncomfortable with our natural body smells, and we go to great lengths to mask and hide what is naturally exciting. Allow your and your partner’s natural, healthy, clean body smells to rise to the surface and activate your sexual desire through the subtle pheromones.3 I once had a lover who had a very strong body odor which at first I fond off-putting. But I noticed that as I became more turned on by him, that smell became SO AROUSING that it heightened my enjoyment. Post-coitus, I’d lie in his arms, allowing my long hair to pick up the scent from his underarms. Later that day, I’d let my hair fall forward, framing my face, so I could sniff my lover’s special scent, and feel aroused all over again!

Employ your sense of taste by feeding each other.

Small fruits like strawberries, cherries, berries, etc. are good. Or, cut fruit is also nice – as long as you just recently cut them so they don’t turn brown. Of course, CHOCOLATE is always a good choice if you and your lover enjoy chocolate. This is NOT the time to worry about calories, cholesterol, or any other such nonsense! Give each other little sips of some lovely beverage. One of my lovers always provided champagne! But you can use any kind of wine, or tea, or juice, or anything that you and your partner enjoy. While tasting of your foods and drinks, savor the flavor. Roll it around on your tongue. Be deliberate. Take your time experiencing how the item feels on your tongue, how it feels to bite it. Swallow slowly and feel it as it goes down your esophagus. You can eat off of each other’s bodies as well. That’s always wonderful. (Be sure you have “stain-proofed” your bed with towels first, so you and your partner aren’t distracted by the possibility of a laundry disaster!)

And last, but by no means least, employ your sense of touch.

I left this for last, because we already think we know all about touch. Many people in our culture are starved for touch, and the only way we know how to get touch is through sex. But I am challenging you to approach the sense of touch differently now. Don’t go for the erogenous zones you already know about. And remember, we are avoiding the genitals for now. (Yes, still!) Perhaps this is a nice time to give a bit of a massage using some lovely massage creams or oils. Don’t worry if you’re not a professional masseuse or masseur. Go with your loving instincts, and watch your partner’s body language and listen for sounds of approval. Be sure to explore delicate and tender parts with a very light touch. Use firmer pressure on back, shoulders, etc. Helping your partner relax is a great way to get them in the mood for more activity later.

Create brand new erotic zones. The inside of the wrists and elbows are exquisite places to explore with your tongue, with little puffs of breath, with a bit of silk or satin. What is your partner’s reaction when you lightly touch or breathe on the back of his neck by the hairline? Touch her lightly at the base of the spine – maybe with a feather! One of my favorite parts is the mons just above the pubic bone and below the navel. Make little circles with your hand there, gently increasing your pressure, noting the feedback your lover gives you with his or her moans of pleasure. Dance a piece of silk or satin or a feather over your lover’s nipples, or along the inside of the thighs. Oh yes! Be creative with your touch, and when it is your turn to receive, pay attention to the areas your partner is caressing. Really feel that part of your body. Imagine that there is a nerve that goes straight from that part to your genitals. Resist all temptation to touch your or your lover’s genitals, but feel how the arousal is building.

When you both have taken deliberate and exquisite time to explore each other with all the five senses, check in with each other. Does your partner want more of something before engaging in coitus? Do you? When you finally come to sexual intercourse, it should be by consent, and you both should be so ripe and juicy that the fruit is about to explode! But … don’t go for a quick ending – however happy it may be! Move with each other. Go back to looking into each other’s eyes, if you are facing each other. Don’t drop back into old habits of closing your eyes and conjuring up a fantasy scenario. Those are fine for self-love sessions. But you’re with your beloved now. You have a living, breathing, consenting partner with you – so enjoy all the facets of the experience that s/he brings to this conjunction! Be playful. Try a new position. Use a toy you haven’t played with before, if that is appropriate. Murmur words of love and encouragement. Make this connection so special, as if it were the LAST time you were EVER going to make love again in this world!

That, my dear friends, is Erotica as I experience it. Enjoy!

Christine L. Wines, Dakini
hhpwines@aol.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.


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How to Use Erotica to Deepen And Enhance Your Relationship Part I

22 Feb

How to Use Erotica to Deepen And Enhance Your Relationship Part I

What does the word “erotic” conjure for you? Why is being erotic important in a relationship with your partner, and what’s in it for you? What’s the difference between erotic and sexual? What is Erotica, and how is that different from Porn? I’ve been exploring these questions for most of my adult life, and I think I’ve hit upon some answers that may help you develop, strengthen, and improve not only your sex life, but also your entire body/mind/soul connection with the one you love.

Let’s take a look at the word erotic first. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as: “1: of, devoted to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire; 2: strongly marked or affected by sexual desire.” Dictionary.Com defines it this way: “1. arousing or satisfying sexual desire: an erotic dance; 2. of or pertaining to, or treating of sexual love; amatory: an erotic novel; 3. subject to or marked by strong sexual desire.” I like to think of it as even more than these, though.

To me, being erotic is engaging all your senses to please, entice, arouse, and delight your partner – and by extension – yourself. As I see it, being sexual is pretty much the physical, physiological urge to mate that is no different from any other mammal’s primal instinct. Sex is the doing! Sex is the act! But being erotic is all about building up to the sex, exploring more than just the physical; engaging all the body – not just the genitals and erogenous zones. It’s about being present and aware of your partner’s needs, desires, and responses, and seeing how your needs, desires, and responses can mesh synergistically with his/hers.

For me, being erotic is far more desirable than just being aroused and having sex. It’s much more satisfying. Erotica is the cake itself, sex is just the icing.

Now as to the difference between Erotica and Porn, that’s pretty easy. My own definition is that porn arouses sexual desire and is a tool for “getting off”. Erotica, on the other hand, is much more subtle, more enticing. Erotic literature actually has a plot and develops characters! It’s not just an endless series of blowjobs, hand jobs, and poking orifices. Most porn flicks or magazines don’t have much dialog. The characters can easily be replaced by others of equal appendage length and prowess. In erotic literature and poetry, you certainly can get aroused – that’s one of the points of erotica! But more than the sexual arousal is a sense of suspense, curiosity, amusement, incredulity, wonder, and wanting to learn more about the actors in that play.

So, now that I have shared my own interpretation of these terms, the next question might be, “how can I be erotic”? For me, being erotic is first and foremost about being an active participant in the whole adventure. Forget the genitals for a moment. “What???? Forget the genitals? But I thought we were going to have sex!” Well, yes, dear one. That’s the idea. But using the analogy of the cake in a prior paragraph, we have to bake the cake first before we apply the icing! Or, using a Zen metaphor, erotica is the journey, sex the destination.

So, forget the genitals for now, start enjoying the journey. First, just simply LOOK at your partner. What is it about him/her that first attracted you? What is it about this person you absolutely love? Forget all the triggers and techniques that you already know how to use to arouse this person. Instead, create a brand-new erogenous zone. Make love to his/her eyes! Soul gazing is a “sounds-easy-but-is-hard-to-do” activity. Sit quietly facing each other, and just look, LOOK deeply into each other’s eyes. See how long you can do this. Try not to look away or giggle. (You can blink, but try not to do it as a nervous tic.) You may think you’ve been looking at each other for a LONG time, only to find it was just a minute or less. This is not easy, because we’re not used to doing this. We feel goofy doing it. But the point here is to get connected in a deep way. It’s often said that the eyes are the window to the soul. You want to get to know your partner’s soul in such an intimate way, so that your physical union later on is just a pale reflection of the deeper, soul union you have already started with the eyes.

Another lovely way of exploring each other’s essence is to sit quietly facing your partner, and just follow your partner’s breath. See if you can regulate your respiration to match that of your beloved. Breathe in when s/he breathes in. Exhale with his/her exhale. Or, even more interesting, but a bit more difficult – take your partner’s exhaled breath into you as you inhale. Let your partner breathe in your exhale, so you are in tandem – breathing in each other’s breath as a means of merging your energies. This may make you a bit giddy – a good thing, in my estimation.

Laughter is a wonderful way of sharing, so if either eye gazing or sharing breathing makes you laugh – laugh! Laughter breaks down resistance and is remarkably healing. It also originates in the belly, and the belly is part of the second –sacral – chakra1, which is the seat of sexuality, according to ancient yogic texts. By laughing, you start awakening the dormant double snakes of the famous Kundalini2 energy, which lie coiled and slumbering at the base of the spine until aroused.

Christine L. Wines, Dakini


This was originally published on:

In Defense of Not Saying a Word

16 Sep

In Defense of Not Saying a Word.

My Confession

16 Sep

My Confession.  Another amazing piece by my son, Gino.

In Defense of Not Saying a Word

14 Sep

After my divorce from my first husband, I was a bit gun-shy about love, marriage, commitment, etc. I was dating someone who was pushing very hard for me to declare my love for him, but I told him I didn’t want to use the “L” word.  He was a poet, and a lot of our communication back and forth took the form of poems.  He wrote me one complaining how he wasn’t allowed to use that word.  This was my response to him.  It is in the form of an acrostic — for those who don’t know that style, an acrostic spells a word from the first letter of each stanza.

In Defense of Not Saying a Word

 Letters and words are, at best, poor substitutes for the soul’s expression.

Or they can be the deliberate masks that confuse and dissemble.

Venture away from the power that words alone hold over you.

Even birds, at times,  are silent!


Nature’s Mirror

14 Sep

For my introductory blog, I’d like to publish a poem I wrote. I find that poetry is an amazing way to say much in fewer words — to bring images to life — to make you think about the words in a new way. I call it “Nature’s Mirror”:

This tree is like me.

With deep roots that plunge into the earth,
I hold fast and stay grounded;

With arching branches and lacy leaves,
I reach to the heavens for warmth and delight.

I offer shelter to many creatures,
And cleanse the air we all breathe.

I shade the weary and comfort the lonely,
Stretching my arms to the world.

I am strong and sturdy,
But bend and sway gracefully when the wind buffets me.

This tree is like me.

The sea is like me.

With ever-changing colors,
I mirror the heavens above, the darkness below.

No one can fathom all the depths within me;
Although many try.

I can rock and lull the tired; I can terrify the fearful,
I can awe even the most arrogant.

I am home to a vast multitude,
The primeval womb of all life.

My waves ebb and flow
Like the eternal breath of God.

The sea is like me.

The breeze is like me.

I can delight the senses,
Refresh the hot and sweaty.

I can rush through the world bringing rain
Tossing the leaves, bending the grass.

I can be benign and friendly,
A light, gentle breeze;

Or I can be a fierce and angry wind,
Thunderous and deadly.

Trees bow in homage,
Or break before my wrath.

The breeze is like me.

This lily is like me.

Soft and lovely to see,
Enticing to the senses;

I grace the fields and woods,
And beg to be plucked and cherished.

I adorn tables and altars,
My beauty copied by artists.

I am fragile, breaking easily,
Dying quickly when picked from my roots.

But I am strong, growing anew each spring,
Adorned in the finest colors even Solomon envied.

This lily is like me.

This bee is like me.

I fly from flower to flower,
Helping the earth blossom each day.

I work alone, but always with others,
Serving the Queen of Life and our home.

My honey delights the palates
Of beast and human;

Nourishes and protects life
And gives poets and painters a theme.

I am busy and productive.
Bothering none but the unwary!

This bee is like me.

This world is like me.

I see myself in all creation,
And all creation in me.

The divine spark, that holy flame
Burns in my heart as in the whole world.

The tiny cells of my body,
All the atoms and particles;

Are the same as can be found in all life,
Even the rocks, the soil, the sand.

I am unique and individual, but yet …
I am one with the earth, the universe, all life.

I look in Nature’s Mirror, and I see Me.

About Me

14 Sep

About Me.

The Enemy Among Us

14 Sep

The Enemy Among Us.

Please enjoy this article by my son, Gino.

Your Sight and Mine

14 Sep



Your Sight and Mine.

Please enjoy this article by my son, Gino.